My partner got a text message tonight. One of his close friends, confessing her "feelings" for him. It was like getting kicked in the guts. Of course he showed it to me straight away, but still, there either has to be something seriously wrong with the confessor or the relationship she's ignoring for something like this to happen. This is surely the most annoying thing about being with someone so much more attractive than I am who refuses completely to ever get married, is that I may just have to tolerate this sort of thing for the rest of our relationship. Despite six years together and a four year old son, some dizzy bitch still thinks it's ok to bare her little feelings to the guy who shares my bed.
Sorry about the lengthy time away, I've spent it running and practising. My songs are going really well but I'm not sleeping and I've had one fairly horrendous panic attack, which was only so awful because I had no idea what was happening. It's 3 am, and usually I would have been asleep for five hours or so, but recently all ability to sleep has wandered out the window, hand in hand with my ever-tenuous grip on reality. I'm starting to dread the rain, knowing we'll be stuck inside. Today was sunny and the only time I spent inside the house was to visit the bathroom. Tomorrow it might rain and tonight I've picked my arms raw. Every few hours I swear I can smell something burning and rush to check everything electrical in the house.
I'm starting to think that the reason I'm so upset tonight about something so small is that I know our relationship is pretty much over. We have no sex life, which is apparently something important that people in a relationship should have. Who knew? He is attractive, kind, funny, bursting with talent, loving, devoted, all those other good adjectives, and yet..... nothing. I think about holding him or I think about letting him go, and it all amounts to the same thing. There's just nothing there, in the place where there used to be something, and it makes me feel really really fucking old.
It's spring here. The garden is full of flowers and the house is full of moths.
